Stuck In A Nasty Web

Yes my therapist moved the box in her office that has been highly triggering…but it didn’t help.

We cried today a really ugly cry in her office. We are at a total loss as to what to do anymore. Emotions for us are running high, which is something fairly new to us. We don’t have reliable friends to reach out to, though our assignment from her for this weekend is to reach out to two friends. We can’t think of anyone we want to invite in to see the mess we are right now….if they reached out to us we might be able to share some of this struggle.

To be honest we’re struggling with the basics. …eating is really hard right now, and that one is memory driven. But we still can’t convince everyone inside to eat….if we’re lucky we get two bites before we are completely nauseated by the thought of ingesting anything. So I’m sure some of this emotion is out of hunger…I know that indicisiveness for us is amplified when we haven’t eaten. This sucks…. as I said we a stuck in a web that keeps growing and compounding upon itself. This isn’t going to be something we can get out of on our own….but inviting people (friends) I’m not sure I trust into it just doesn’t even seem like an option.

We kind of just want to run back to our family of origin. Go back to what we know. What’s familiar. What’s predictable. We know that how we lived before is no way to live, but neither is how we’re living now. Right now all hope seems lost.

To go back to denial, or maybe acceptance of our place in the world…because the memories are just to great right now (and have been for months).

So we’re trapped in this web of emotions and memories and only professional support.

Home

I got home Friday evening….left my home for the first time today (Monday) for therapy. Not sure if anything else could have gotten me out. My once a month small group Saturday morning didn’t nor did church Sunday morning. I’ve been living in trigger overload. And my poor pup has been forced to use puppy pads as leaving my apartment to take her out to potty is too much for us all inside to handle.

Therapy today. She read my journal (as usual) but this time since it was chalk full of memories and we hadn’t met in over a week, we talked through each day after she read it. She already knew the basics as to how I was doing as she called each day she was in the office to check in on me, to touch base, to give me a place of grounding. She had multiple messages from me everyday. I am blessed to have her in my life. Today we had a double session I didn’t know until it was over. She knew going in that her appointment after me had cancelled so she had the time. I was thankful for that. I think knowing we had two hours would have been hard on me….and honestly I didn’t notice the amount of time that had passed.

She made an offer to move a box in her office that has been triggering me, either me help her or me watch her move it. Neither of those could I handle then. So she’s planning on moving and covering it before my next session.

I lost time on my way home from session today….and that bothers me….as it was 6+ hours I cannot account for….and the fact that I found several new big bruises this morning that I have not shared with my therapist. We had enough other stuff to discuss and I know that the mentions of bruises would get priority over what I was needing to process….I’ll call her and leave her a message after I post this.

Vacation

So a friend has taken me on vacation this week….and we’ll I’m not in a great place. I wasn’t before we left. Honestly I didn’t want to come but she was so excited I couldn’t tell her that. Last week I was facing and dealing with memories but didn’t get far with them…definitely not to a point of closure.

So the first 4 days (today is day 4) my friend has been at a conference for work…I knew this however she said she would be done each day by 3….ummm the earliest has been 5pm…. this is frustrating to me.

And well and then I have been in trigger central. And have been coping through some pretty brutal and horrendous memories.

My friend saw it last night, I broke. I did my best not to but I could only handle so much. She invited someone from the conference to dinner with us. She asked me if it was okay after she already told this person they could come along, as they were alone at the conference. And well it’s not like I could tell her then that I was not okay with this….and honestly I’m not sure not sure I wasn’t.

Prayer Ministry 

Had my second prayer ministry session today. Today was intense. We only touched on two subjects this time but they were biggies. Mom and Miss René (my dance teacher for overy a decade growing up).
The memories and things that came up today I worked through the spiritual side with the prayer partners and that was exhausting and freeing, not to mention HARD. The memories were very detailed and intense things I have surpressed (or are held by other parts I’m not yet co-conscious with) I spoke these things to them not in detail but did expand on things when asked. I know I need to revisit these memories with my therapist… I see her tomorrow evening and my plan is for us to unpack these memories more. I need to for me.
That abandonment thing surfaced too….ugh….I don’t want to go there but I know I do.
Hoping for sleep tonight and that my mind can shut down….not sure about that but I have been away all day (left home before 7:30 am and didn’t get back home until after 9pm).

Get Up

Just get up

Off the ground

Out of the mire

And muck
It’s not easy

Not at all

To get up off your back
To find your worth

Dignity 

Self
Men used you

Heck 

They ruined you

For not only 

You future husband 

But

Yourself
They twisted 

Warped

Mangled

Polluted 

That sacred act 

which bonds 

a husband and wife 
God can

 still restore.

He is 

the one 

Who will 

lift you

Out of the 

Degradation 

Humiliation 

Shame 

and

 Guilt 
Simply

Just

Trust 

Him.

His timing.

His will.

Four Letter Words

Yep its those pesky four letter words that are running through my head…words I loathe and fear to even utter in the quietest voice.  Today these are not the words that usually run through my head.  But ones that hurt much deeper…

care

love

help

held

These simple four letter words are the cry of my heart and yet are a deep source of pain.  They are what I need, desperately, and yet cannot not get in the physical.  
To be honest I would rather deal with the other four letter words that run so often through this head….

cunt

fuck

slut

…And yes there are three and five letter too…but those four letter words are what we need all of me…and yet what we are left is…..

….alone……

……forgotten. ……

….and….

tears…that no one will see….

Just so frustrated 

So I collapsed again yesterday around 3:45 pm.  And wasn’t able to control any parts of the body until 5:30 when I had some tentivie control over my head and arms, however by this time I was also feeling full on body memories from what I can best describe as brutal rapes.  I managed to get my phone luckily it was on the edge of the counter… called my therapist and left her a message  (I knew she won’t get it until Monday but needed to let her know) then put out a post on facebook(well 2, one on my page and one on a group page) asking for prayers and for someone to ideally come to my home ASAP and said to call text or PM for more details, as those have notifications for me.  Replies to a post don’t alert my phone.  So the two people who responded in a reply to the post with their numbers saying call me were not helpful….that and well I loathe calling people.  I did reply to the one in a PM but heard nothing back.  Just so frustrating.  It wasn’t until close to 8pm when I was in control and strong enough to grab some cold meat from the fridge so I could eat and then army crawl to the couch and pull myself up so I wasn’t on the floor.  It took until almost 11 for me to be able to move my legs.  These are the times I do not want to be alone.  And yes I know I could have called 911 but I know it wasn’t a medical emergency and didn’t really want to end up in an ER.
Today I’m still not steady on my feet.  I can manage without too much concern from one room in my apartment to another.  But taking my pup out is a completely different story.  This morning I made it to the grass with her and then we turned back.
Last night and still today all I want(ed) is(was) someone to sit with me so I don’t feel so alone trapped in memories I can’t get out of.