Responsible

Why is it I feel so responsible for everything? This was actually brought up in therapy yesterday, and I thought I had a handle on it, even talked with hubby about it and how he could help ease some of that feeling. We seemed to be at a good place. Then today, he had a “bad” day at his internship and it wasn’t really bad just he didn’t get the client hours that he was hoping to get today. Not his fault but what he did instead got him closer to having his own case load. Then he texted me from work about how awful his day there was and how he feels like he has no direction or training there. I hate having to talk him off a ledge like that. And sadly I know it’s not the end of that.

Forgotten

I loathe how easily people seem to forget me. I was supposed to meet the pastor’s wife for coffee half an hour ago. I double checked our texts back and forth to make sure I had the right day, time and place. I just texted her to find out if we were still meeting today. Why am I so easily forgotten? So now I’m sitting in the coffee shoppe with tears welling up in my eyes and just dont know what I want to do anymore. Would love to have a major hissy fit but I know that won’t do anything, but get me the very wrong kind of attention. So now what do I do for the next hour?? I just want to go home and cry, but this girl has things to do still this evening. So I will probably just sit in the coffee shoppe and waste my time sipping my hot chocolate 😞

Leftovers

That’s the feeling I have. That people in my life treat me like leftovers. When they have time, when they feel like it, when it is convenient for them then maybe they might put forth the tiniest bit of effort to acknowledge me.

I can’t keep going on like this. To go out of my way to do something special for someone to have them basically turn their back on me. Why is it that the people in my life are not good friends to me?

I’m sick of being convenient. I want(need) intention. I want to know that someone would go out of their way for me.

And if I bring it up people think I’m attacking them.

I went to church alone this morning, hubby wouldn’t get out of bed(eventhough last night he said he would) and now I dont want to go home. I’ve been sitting in my car in the parking lot for an hour now…everyone else is long gone.

Honestly right now I just dont even want to be. I’m ready to be done.

Raw.

No more words to share beyond what we wrote in our journal. So here is a glimpse of that.

Married Life

Not quite two months have passed since I got married. And well it’s been a ride. Two weeks after I was married I had surgery to fix my foot which I broke it 20 years ago that hadn’t healed properly and was causing me so much pain. The tears on my wedding day were those of physical pain from my foot. After which we learned the hard way that I’m allergic to all blood thinners, but do to the risk of blood clots(mom had a sudden PE last year) I had to stay on them for four weeks which ment the hubby had to give me daily injections the burned and left me lightheaded, dizzy, itchy, unstable even on my kneeling wheel cart, and was left with chills that couldn’t be helped. So that was miserable for both of us.

I’m doing better now with that in terms of pain, true I’m still non weight bearing until the end of this month….but I’m not crying in pain from it. But because of the surgery my new hubby was afraid to touch me and I can’t really blame him because until recently if you touched the cast I yelped in pain. So it’s been out of care. However that has led to some feelings stirring inside that I am less than desirable to him(and yes he knows this we do talk).

I’ve also learned I cannot go a month without therapy or more importantly a therapist. Besides the headache and drama of changing my name…find a therapist who will take me on and can bill my insurance is seeming to be a feat of epic proportions. Never before have I been shooed out of a therapist’s office so fast…I’m talking went in for an intake (planned for 90 mins) and was out the door in less than 15 minutes…this has happened a few times. And honestly it ticks me off because I’m up front about my diagnosis over the phone.

But well I’m devolving and fast. Thankful for the good relationship with my previous therapist who is seeing me pro bono right now as she too cannot bill my insurance….and well is also 2 hours away…so not a long term solution at all. But is better than nothing.

Tonight I flinched when my husband touched me and nothing new about this touch from him, just his arm over me and his hand on my side as we laid in bed next to each other. This he has done since the wedding, and it’s never bothered me before. But to night I flinched and he noticed….and this scares me. The flinching not that he noticed. Its scares me because I don’t know what is going on with my parts. I haven’t been able to communicate with them since mid-October. It has me worried and kind of preparing for what might end up being a hospitalization if my therapy situation doesn’t get resolved soon.

One Week

A week from now I’ll be married and our reception will be winding down…

Am I excited? Yes.

Am I looking forward to life as a wife? Absolutely.

And yet tonight I’m crying myself to sleep. Why? It’s not out of fear, or nerves, or even stress. No it’s because I know the one thing I want that day I won’t get. Because the people who could provide it aren’t capable of giving it to me.

What is it you may wonder. It’s simple really for one day I want to feel like I actually have a connection with my family. Like they actually do care about me and love me. Like I actually have a bond with my siblings.

It sucks. They may play the part but the feeling won’t really be there. But I’m not even sure they will pay the part.

So for now I cry myself to sleep. Another night of a tear stained pillow for a brand new reason.

Grappling

It’s been a while since I last posted and well life got bust. As of my last post I wasn’t even dating and and am now engaged and getting married in just over three months. That all has been and is a work of God.

Now on to the grappling…lots has come up in therapy lately.. and well that has me and all my parts grappling for the truth to hold onto. We know the Sunday school answers to the questions we are grappling with, but we need to really know and feel the answers. The biggest is “are there limits to what God/Jesus can do or go?”

This has come up in conjuction with memories from Parts that started surfacing last month.

I’m not struggling with this I’m grappling. I just feel that word fits better. It’s like a grappling hook once it hooks on it is strong and secure.

I know what scripture says about Jesus breaking the gates of hell. So I know in my head aka Sunday school answer that He does go to the darkest of dark places. The memory is dark, a new level of dark for me, and my dark was already REALLY dark. And it’s different than others I’ve dealt with in the past.

I know once we accept Jesus that He will never abandon us, and this memory was long before I knew Jesus … or knew that I knew Jesus.

This is only the surface …so yes. I’m grappling right now.

Health

It has been a while since I last posted.  It has been a crazy ride.  My health has taken a turn and as a result I’ve been struggling on many fronts.  Health wise I thought this was a simply(and I don’t say that lightly) an AI flare.  But lab results done by my specialist said nope.  So today I visited doctor number two, my primary, to see what avenue to pursue and honestly I was surprised that she chose to order more lab work, I was expecting to talk with her and leave with a referral.  So today they took 8 vials of blood and i have 3 saliva tests to do and bring back.  I’m praying for answers because I am in so much physical pain  that doing anything is hard.  I’ve been unable to sleep more than a half hour at a time because of the pain.  No position is comfortable and everything hurts moving or being still.  I have also had a headache for over a month now.  And do to the pain I also can’t focus well or think straight, brain fog where an independent symptom or a result of pain is really hard to deal with.

 

So in terms of therapy my therapist hasn’t wanted to go deep into anything as she’s not sure how much I could handle with the physical pain I’m already in.  honestly this just sucks.

 

Cancelled

Just off the phone with my therapist. Confused as all get out when her number appeared on my phone, to the best of my knowledge no parts had called her. So I answered tentatively. She caught that, I told her i didn’t think anyone called her and she said we hadn’t, whew for me. She called to cancel our appointment tomorrow as she’s feeling under the weather. But before she told us that she wanted to know how we were doing…we couldn’t answer without knowing why she was calling everyone inside was jumbled and disoriented, taken a back and not thinking clearly. We barely spoke, she knows it hit us hard. She asked us to come up with something helpful we could do in that time slot tomorrow. And well our mind was all in to making a suicide plan, or more appropriately activating the one we already have. Yes she knows this. But in the midst of dealing with deep hurt she just dug deeper into the wound. I know we’ll get through it, somehow…but right now the ground was just pulled out from under me.

I’m not sure which is better the call in the morning or the night before when she cancels…both are hard for me, I know she prefers the night before for me because i come from so far away.

Cancellations suck.

Tears

I just want to cry.
There is no reason
no why
Its frustrating
to a be a person
with emotions that run wild
to want
to be able
to give
an explanation
a why

We know there is a why
that is buried deep inside
a why that fits in no box
a why that others won’t get
yet
this why give us peace
reasoning
the why

this why
as simple as grief
yet grief is far from simple
especially
when its
complex
compounded
complicated
delayed
its about things that just aren’t talked about
or known
or accepted

grief
has
tears and smiles
sorrow and joy
anguish and peace
wallow and pity
solace and resolve