Should have…

It’s hitting me hard. This last weekend we should have celebrated a first birthday. It wasn’t on my mind until after a week of crying at absolutely everything, zero motivation, and no hope. Then I thought about it and realized. Its hard because it feels like I’m the only one who is aware. I told my husband and he asked why do I keep track. I don’t, my body remembers, and I cannot control what my body remembers. I know we had an early loss, but my body knew. What to do from here, I don’t know, I have no clue. And yet I know something has to be done.

Enough is Enough

So after 2 years struggling with infertility, hubby and I finally got our first positive pregnancy test November 3rd of 2021. Only to go though a miscarriage over Thanksgiving (November 25th-29th). That was hard in so many ways. We had my mom up for the holiday and well all that ended was another person for me to take care of, hubby tried to help he did take me to the ER twice. But the stress of it all caused the pain in his shoulder to increase so he couldn’t do much. A couple weeks later he got the diagnosis of CRPS and well its been a journey. Two weeks ago he met with pain management and we are now in the process of him getting a spinal cord nerve stimulator implant. Do to the level of pain he is in I’ve been driving him to work. Today I had to go back and pick him up early as the pain from his shoulder had spread into his neck and he now has no voice and again can’t eat solid food. While we were waiting for his emergency appointment pain management I told him that I felt like I was a burden for him. He told me I’m not and well I still think I am. I could explain my reasoning but it is complicated. I just want something to go my /our way. I’m tired of everything being a struggle.

But for now it’s just one day at a time and hoping things work themselves out, in the mean time we start the process of short-term disability for him tomorrow

Infertility Journey

No one prepares you for the journey of infertility. And its rough, hard, exhausting, lonely, and isolating. Not to mention walking through it during a pandemic that is already all of those things and more.

My surgery in September was successful, but not uneventful. My tubes were found to be clear, yeah! And they were able to successfully remove the grapefruit size fibroid that was lodged between my uterus and bladder. They also found what they suspected to be an ovarian tumor but pathology ruled it a uterine fibroid as well(this surprised the RE who did the surgery) which is good. No PCOS, no endometriosis…not that either were on a short list. We’ve been back to trying to conceive for 4 cycles now. The last two with me medicated and well that has not been great. I haven’t had major side effects from the drug however my husband has had injuries that have made sex difficult to impossible just before my fertile window. Last cycle we went on a light hike the day after Thanksgiving and well he tore is groin😒. He was doing better and we were hopeful so i medicated my cycle again. Then this current cycle he got assaulted at work and is now home on workers comp with a bruised pelvis, bruised testicles and a tear in his scrotum.😬

So this coming cycle we are just going natural.

To add insult to this I have a few Facebook friends that weren’t trying that have now announced they are expecting…

I just want people to understand that all this is hard. Even if I don’t show it, it is wearing on me.

No unicorn here!

Amongst all of the doctor visits and tests and a couple trips to the ER from pain and nausea with vomiting. My OB made stayed late to see me Monday because of my pain level being so high, she was worried about sepsis. She did a pelvic exam and no signs of infection, a good thing. We talked about the onset of my pain and it did go back to the HSG test, so the running thought is that I reacted to the dye they used and she put me on steroids to help calm it(and truthfully the level of pain has decreased and I’m only half way through the course) Then she asked if she could bring in a colleague to also assess me, I’m okay if it will help…well then came in a third doctor…this is when my mind starts freaking out, as to why I. The world is wrong with me. Then they start discussing things that I had read about an unicoruate uterus. I calm slightly.

Then my doctor calls radiology to move the MRI scan that was scheduled for still later this week to the following day(Tuesday), I’m okay with that as I’m in a lot of pain. Then I’m told that I am to get the MRI in the morning and stay at the hospital until it has been read, at this point I think the nurse read the panic in my eyes surface. She nonchalantly told me that the mass the doctors all felt might be something they will want to remove or drain immediately so better that I stay at the hospital. Needless to say I was in tears the rest of that day and completely freaking out inside but looking calm as hubby is struggling with this too. I didn’t sleep that night. And went and blocked everything baby related on my Facebook account and email. Just didn’t want to see reminders of what I might not be able to ever have.

I finally got the MRI yesterday and after having to wait at the hospital afterwards…it took over two hours for it to be read, so I was a bit unnerved by the time my doctor gave me the results. My uterus according to the radiologists (apparently it took the radiologist consulting with at least two others to read my MRI) is normal with both tubes attached!!

However, yes this is a big however, I have a massive fibroid that is positioned between my bladder and uterus and extends well into the vaginal wall. My doctor has referred me to Mayo for both RE(which hopefully we won’t need) and gynecological surgery. Last night right at the end of business we got the call from Mayo. My consultation is July 30..so just over 2 weeks. In the mean time I’m not planning on doing much of anything

I keep reminding myself that this is good news. Can’t yet bare to see baby stuff on Facebook or in my email..

Unicorn?

This TTC (trying to conceive) journey is aweful. It is completely emotionally draining. Two days ago (Thursday) I had a Hysterosalpingography (HSG) test done. Everyone even my OB thought it would come back normal… No one was prepared for what the results showed. As of right now there is a big fat ZERO chance that I will get pregnant on my own as the dye only went down one fallopian tube and was blocked from reaching the end and spilling out by that ovary. The other side the dye did not enter the tube at all. My OB suspects I have a unicoruate uterus which is a rare genetic anomaly something like 0.1% of women have this. To find out for sure she ordered a pelvic MRI. I’m trying to hold onto hope that this is not the case and I just have blockage of that fallopian tube right where it joins the uterus.

Research may be my downfall here as well from what I’ve read an unicoruate uterus makes the chances of conception cut in half and significantly increases the chances of miscarriages(especiallylate term), premature birth, and the chances of a cesarean delivery go way up. The chances of successful IVF are even significantly decreased.

If this is the case it would explain some of my past that I choose to omit because well I only know so much and I hate answering questions I don’t know the answers to, denial is a bit easier.

So where does this ttc journey go after the MRI. My OB has referred me on to Mayo’s reproductive endocrinology department. Here’s to an hour drive to every appointment 😔

Hubby and I are hoping that they will be able to clear my tubes(please Lord let me have two attached fallopian tubes) and we then would be able to successfully conceive naturally.

All I want is to be a mom. I may have even asked myself after the HSG test “what’s the point of being married if I can’t have kids?” I’ve always wanted to have a large family and right now I will gladly take just one little miracle.

The HSG test didn’t go well they had to perform it three times. The entire process was well highly triggering. And well I came home and didn’t leave the house again…until will the following day (yesterday) when severe lower abdominal pain landed me in the ER as I wasn’t able to hold anything down and was vomiting bile. My labs all came back pristine to the point the nurse said my labs were something to be jealous of.. I barely slept last night because of the pain. Don’t really want to go back to the ER as I know they would then opt to do a abdominal/pelvic CT. The ER doctor offered to run it and if my labs had any abnormalities would have but recommended waiting it out instead.

So I’m in pain emotionally and physically. And just want answers and a baby of my own. As of now I’m on day three of tears. And knowing that well I really won’t know more or have anything put on the schedule until at least Monday. I have a feeling this weekend is going to be excruciatingly long.

A Perfect Storm

So coronavirus crap has had me at home since mid March. I live outside of the twin cities so since Memorial Day everything has been in upheaval. And honestly this past weekend fear paralyzed me and I couldn’t leave my apartment. I’m far enough outside of the twin cities that the riots and protests didn’t seep into my community and yet I wouldn’t even open a window. I did see that our target closed because of the riots…honestly I haven’t been in target since probably February.

This last weekend was taken over by fear and memories of trauma. This weekend was my dad’s birthday…a day when growing up I was raped and usually beaten as well. It was hard. I thought that having no issues with Memorial Day I was in the clear, growing up dad’s birthday and Memorial Day were one and the same in our house. Add to that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 6 months now…and well this last cycle looked promising yet nope. Sunday my period came. Hubby had a SA done today, hoping he isn’t the issue…

I didn’t have my regular therapy session this week, as my therapist hurt her back the day before 😔 I thought I was okay with that until she reached out and offered me an opening tomorrow….I fell apart hubby was there to help me and told me to take it.

I’m opting out of zoom calls and Bible studies. They just make me feel awful. Really need an in person friend right now. I sadly don’t have those friends who are there for me. Hubby tries but I need a gal friend to talk to sometimes…

So how have I been coping with all this….not.well. I have zero motivation to do anything. I would like to get back in the pool but that is still closed as a result of coronavirus. Pretty sure I’m zoning out most of my days…I do have things I could do but no motivation to do them.

Too much…

So I’m not doing well. Not at all. I want to disappear and cry… I really don’t want hubby to go to work tomorrow, and he needs to because if he were to stay home because of me I don’t know when he would be able to go back…as I would want him here. He’s in bed already for the night I can’t go to be this early, but he has to get up super early for work in the morning and I choose to let him fall asleep before I go to bed on these nights.

We’ve been trying to convince for a few months now and my fertile window just passed. Now I’m in the two week wait before I can take a pregnancy test.

I’m jus in tears. True I wasn’t able to sleep last night but that is kind of a normal thing. But well Zoom just makes the social distancing worse. I had Bible study this morning on Zoom. I really tried to interact and connect but as the hour went on I just felt more and more alone.

Hubby and I went for a walk today, and well it was nice and well my feet couldn’t take it I didn’t tell hubby until we were back home. My surgical foot is hurting bad, where all screws heads are. We knew one was backing out already but it seems as though the other three may be failing too. And with elective surgeries canceled until who knows when, I’m going to be living in LOTS of pain… and well if I am pregnant they won’t do the surgery either.

My parts aren’t doing well and my hubby is noticing some small s switches happening far more often and obvious than the small s switches he has seen with me, he has never witnessed one of my big S Switches. The way things are going he might sooner than either of us would like.

I so feel like pulling my hair out and scream or just crawling into a corner and crying (which is far more my style)

Stay at Home

I’m not sure how everyone else is handling the COVID-19 situation.   I’m not doing well with it.  Being told to stay at home and that I  can’t interact with people in person is driving me batty.  I’m an introvert but on my terms, never liked being told what I could and could not do.  Hubby is super concerned about me because of underlying health issues I have, so I don’t even get to go to the grocery store.  I’m glad(?–so not the right word but that is all that comes to my mind right now) that I can do therapy via telehealth but it is not the same at all, and is really hard for me to do therapy that way…however it is better than nothing.

Hope you all are doing well and finding your own ways to navigate this time….I have a big project of refinishing a 1920s dining table completely by hand once it gets a little warmer here. Hubby even when the stay at home order is lifted hubby still doesnt want me to go anywhere until he feels it is safe…

Falling

Honestly its been a rough go lately, and well I’m decling.  My birthday was a little over a week ago and after that disaster, I have decided that I never want to acknowledge it again.  Just way too many tears, and really no one cared to remember anyways.

 

But as for now.  I can’t sleep.  Any time I shut my eyes I feel like I’m spinning while falling deep into the back of my head…the abyss…  That has been going on for a few days and is getting progressively worse.  It used to be just laying on my back and closing my eyes that did it, last night was laying down with my eye shut in any position today every time I blink.  My hubby is away for the weekend and I’m scared, especially of being alone like this.  And yet I want to be around no one…tears come way too easy and I really don’t know what is going on.  Pretty sure this is all DID related but so not in a place to venture down that road…  I see my therapist on Wednesday…maybe then…

 

until then i will deal with the spinning and falling feelings alone.

Sleep

I’m choosing to sleep on the couch tonight. Hubby had what I’m guessing is a rough day at work. I say guessing because he hasn’t told me anything about it. He didn’t call me on his way home, usually I talk to him his entire drive home. Then he didn’t say a word to me when he got home. It hurts. I know it’s not me and yet I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I know I haven’t even so I’m giving hubby his space and sleeping on the couch tonight.